Upset feelings, including anger, anxiety, stress, and depression, are usually caused by the way we are thinking about what is happening, not the events themselves. To change your feelings (and your behavior), try the following exchange vocabulary.
When you first try this new way of thinking, it might not feel right. The more you do it, however, the more natural these realistic beliefs will become.
Give it a fair try though. Practice, practice, practice. Listen in to your self-talk.
Instead of thinking: Try thinking:
must--------- prefer
should ------ it is desirable
have to------ choose to
need -------- want
can't -------- choose not to
ought------- had better
never ------- rarely
all ----------- many
always------ often
can't stand--- don't like
awful---------- highly undesirable
bad person --- bad behavior
I am a failure--- I failed at
Here are some examples:
I have to do well. I want to do well.
You shouldn't do that. I prefer you not do that.
You never help me. You rarely help me.
I can t stand my job. I don t like my job.
You are a bad boy. That behavior is undesirable.
I m a loser. I failed at this one task.
I need love. I want love, but don t need it.
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From the SMART Recovery Members' Manual
Section III, Problem Solving www.smartrecovery.org
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EXCHANGE VOCABULARY
By: Robert F. Sarmiento, Ph.D.
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